


Still, I Love You

by MadhouseCabaret



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst and Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Male Homosexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 03:18:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13778538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadhouseCabaret/pseuds/MadhouseCabaret
Summary: Yunho is shipping off to basics in the South Korean military. During this time he had been reflecting on who he has been and who he will be after the two year absence. In those thoughts comes the presence of his best friend and partner through all of this, Changmin. Ruminations give way to a startling revelation about where he sees himself, and with whom, after he returns.





	1. Chapter 1

  They were like brothers, family, two halves of the same best friend whole who could never be replaced. Wildly different in so many aspects of their life, but holding onto very similar common morals regardless of their night and day aspects. Certain parts of their skinship neither noticed had actually grown into being bizarre to the outside looking in.

Yunho didn't want to jeopardize that.

He didn't want to create a rift that could never be crossed.

Even now, with Changmin standing vigilantly beside him on stage as they and their dancers took their bows, Yunho wanted to never make any of this for nought. The gnawing sensation like a pricking needle of the mind started in even after everyone was gone and just the two of them returned to the hotel. A duo they became after so much trepidation, thinking, _overthinking_ and wondering if two opposite personalities could actually achieve a common ground and persevered forward.

Even six days later in the comfort of native soil, attending a TV broadcast acting their usual selves Yunho still felt that gnawing continue in the back of his mind. Changmin, Changdola, whatever nickname and name he was given he was all of this to the never faltering leader who was so self-assured about _everything._ That assurance was both a truth and falsehood. Yunho was human like anyone else and even at his most certain there would always be a tiny sliver of a question; a way to still keep his feet firmly planted in reality. And right now he held nothing but doubt for what his mind wanted to make him say and do. Changmin appeared completely unaware of this inner turmoil that Yunho ended up impressing upon himself, but even if any of the doubt slipped through then Yunho would simply reassure Changmin that everything was alright. Of course Changmin knew that he was lying, but the younger of the two did not press the issue any further for the time being.

In South Korea they stayed in separate homes of wildly different aesthetics. They were separate giving Yunho a chance to take the much needed time for introspection, and to sort out any other looming feelings he had churning beneath. Yunho also considered their differences in separation with a sense of reluctant acceptance and a sad smile. He and Changmin were insanely close having shared so much whether that fact be on purpose or by mistake, but there was a line you did not cross under any circumstance. Yunho sat on his sofa with hands clasped, the knuckles of his thumbs pressed down against his forehead gently just sitting in deep thought.

He couldn't. He _shouldn't._

  "Don't get it confused." The man told himself as if berating his own feelings. In less than a month almost Yunho was going away to start his active duty in the military for the next two years. Not like he wouldn't see Changmin at all in those two years, but Changmin himself hadn't put in for enlistment yet; instead the young man was encouraged to take his place as a solo artist in Japan and South Korea. And Yunho was ecstatic for Changmin tremendously so. Feeling that this was the most opportune moment for his friend to show his own unique merits standing as one on a stage or speaking in a show. Yet Yunho wanted to say something other than congratulations in the wake of this news, wanted to pick up the phone and tell his true feelings on more than just the future of TVXQ. And so Yunho lifted the phone like his body was on autopilot, and swiped the screen pulling up Changmin's name on the contact list and pressing call.

One ring, two, then on the third he answered.

  "Hyung? It's _midnight---I_ wasn't sleeping, but is something the matter?" Changmin sounded like he had been imbibing alcohol by the way his tone tilted. For a few seconds Yunho almost regretted calling, but cleared his throat sitting upright on the sofa more.  
  "Changminnie..." How would he do this? "I need to talk to you about something if you can."  
Yunho could hear shifting on the other line and waited patiently for some kind of response. Changmin sounded like he was going back through his fridge and grabbing another can of beer, as the tell-tale sound of a tab being popped was heard.  
  "Is this about your enlistment next month?" Changmin sounded slightly perplexed and maybe a little worried.  
  "Yes and no. It's half about that and I actually wanted to talk to you about, ah, about the you and I portion..." Already an awkward start.

An audible sip of liquid and Changmin seemed to be chuckling a little.  
  "You're worried about my solo career, later enlistment and...hmmm... possibly no TVXQ for almost _four years?"_ Dammit, he sounded more casual than Yunho would have liked. Though the intake of alcohol might actually make his partner a hundred times more agreeable while they were talking. Yunho didn't want to feel like he wasn't able to tell Changmin everything that was on his mind, but a sensitive subject like this one required a lot more finesse. A finesse that required the planning that Yunho had no time for right now.  
  "That too, but I've been thinking over something. It's something to do with the two of us, but more of how I feel about us and have been feeling for several mont---no, more like a few years honestly." His voice stayed steady with every word, but there wasn't any stopping the nervousness that started to course through his body more pronounced with each passing second.  
Changmin seemed to hesitate, "The two of us? What are you talking about? Please try to make sense."  
Yunho ran his tongue across his bottom lip nervously and sat back against the sofa, became uneasy and stood up now walking around the living room.  
  "You're important to me, Minnie. You and I have known each other how long now? It's been since 2003--twelve years right? That's such a long time for two people to bond. You know how much I love you."

God he felt like an _absolute_ idiot.

Changmin gave a soft snort before there was a shuffle from him readjusting his phone.  
  "Do you even know how much sense you're not making? I know you care--"  
  "Love as in..." Yunho hated hesitating, "Love as in romantic. You know the kind that---"  
  "Stop joking. Are you sure you're not drunk?" Changmin seemed to have suddenly sobered up a good degree from that confession. Yunho stopped still by one of the living room windows and fumbled with any sense of coherence he may have possessed. Changmin was becoming obviously inpatient on the other line with a few clicks of his tongue being heard, but Yunho was trying to find his voice.  
  "Answer me, Yunho. The hell are you trying to tell me!"   
Yunho let out a breath he wasn't aware was being held.  
  "I'm trying to tell you that I've found myself smitten with you. It hasn't been all twelve years, more like for two maybe three." He had to let the conversation sit there and see where Changmin took the direction. There was almost absolute silence on the other end, but Yunho could hear movement and soft breathing so he knew Changmin had not hung up. The waiting was terribly perplexing and he just wanted an answer sometime in the next five minutes if at all possible; Changmin's silence seemed like it was dragging on forever.

Changmin sighed, "I can't talk about this."  
At that Yunho straightened his posture before furrowing his brow in dismay.  
  "Changmin, look I'm sorry about this."  
  "I'll talk to you later. Have a good night." And just like that the call ended. Yunho stood still in his spot before lowering the phone from his ear slowly and staring at the home screen with a shaky sensation, turned and shuffled to the sofa before sitting down tossing his phone off onto the cushions. Dammit, _dammit_ he was stupid to even think about bringing that kind of subject up to someone like Changmin. Changmin was very keen on keeping many of his thoughts and feelings close to heart, and a subject this heavy wasn't anything to just throw on him a month before leaving. Giving a shaky sigh Yunho placed his face into his hands drawing in a deep breath before releasing, trying to calm himself down and feeling like an idiot all at once. He knew that he had jumped the gun and Changmin was probably feeling uncomfortable about the entire declaration as it was.

Yunho felt small and incredibly stupid.

All that could be done now was turning in for the night and hoping tomorrow would be better.


	2. Changmin

  Changmin had awoken around 9am feeling the after effects of alcohol still lingering on his body. Last night did not even register at first when he began to reluctantly roll over on his bed with a sleepy groan, and practically forced himself to push up off of the bed kicking his legs off the side. Sitting motionless, Changmin allowed his brain and body to play catch up with one another before making an attempt to even stand up and start his day.

Last night finally registered.

Changmin halted himself after standing and chewed at his lower lip slowly, nervously almost. Yunho's midnight phonecall rushed back into his memories like a faucet of the mind being turned on. Shifting left to right Changmin finally took steps forward and headed into his bathroom turning the light on taking a moment to look into the mirror.

Eh, not his best face. Probably needed to shave.

What should have been only six--maybe eight minutes in the bathroom turned to fifteen, because every other moment Changmin would find himself distracted. He finally exited going over to the closet taking careful decision on how much effort should actually be put into today. Gentle fingertips dancing over the fabrics as he mentally checked off what wasn't applicable for today's look, but his hand fell from the hanging shirts back to his side with a heavy sigh soon following.

What was Yunho _thinking?_

Changmin was trying to search for any part inside himself that had even the slightest idea what to do or say. Was he disgusted? Was he relieved? Happy? Not one single emotion appeared to actually hit the nail on the head, but served to only further pull the young man into more confusion. Frustrated he turned with the intent to march over towards the phone, but halfway across the bedroom his legs stopped and there Changmin stood in an internal battle with himself. Calling Yunho today would be the best idea and honestly the sooner the better in this circumstance. However, instantly the motivation to see this situation through to the end died on site as Changmin ran through a dozen other less favorable scenarios that could occur; none of which actually have. This was some bizarre form of self-sabotage which occurred under situations that caused great emotional stress. Just as Changmin was about to turn around to go about his morning business did the text tone notification go off, and almost warily the young man stole a glance over towards his bedside table. Hopefully that was someone like Kyuhyun just sending a text asking about what he was up today, maybe wanting to hangout?

Ah trepidation, hello again.

So Changmin strode across the room completely resolved in being prepared no matter what the notification's nature actually was. Turning on the screen he saw the text box hanging there with the name 'King of the Stage' across the top and a few words below; Yunho simply said good morning and asked how he was. Something about the casual nature of the text was almost annoying and made Changmin feel like he needed to message back just to ask if his friend actually _remembered_ anything about last night? Though the thought that Yunho actually didn't remember his own confession was pretty foolish all things considered, but there was still hesitation on Changmin's end to actually confront the elephant in the room. How was he supposed to react when drunk, at midnight and never actually having any warning prior to Yunho actually blurting the confession out? Maybe all their skinship that they both claimed to dislike so much was actually a peek into what was to come, but that still wasn't enough to make Changmin think he had _any_ warning. Should he talk to Yunho in person or just do all of this over the phone?  
  "I swear..." Changmin sighed through slightly gritted teeth before unlocking his phone screen and pulling up Yunho's contact ID. Letting out a sigh through the nose he pressed the green call icon before putting the device up to his ear already feeling nervousness begin to bubble up.  
  "Minnie, good morning!" God Yunho sounded far too cheerful for the hour. Well the time was only 9:36 now, but it was just the principle of the issue.  
  "Morning. I'm just going to come out and say it , but we really do need to talk about last night." Changmin sounded stern as he went back across the bedroom towards his closet looking again to find an outfit for the day. Apparently his statement caught Yunho off guard, because there was radio silence for about thirty odd seconds before any vocalizations were made.  
  "I'm sorry I said that over the phone, Changmin. You sounded angry and I didn't stop to think you would be uncom--do you want me to just make it to your place?"  
Changmin pulled a dark green button up out,   "Probably not very necessary. Just go on, okay?"  
  "Right. Well like I said I didn't stop to consider that you would get uncomfortable, and there are just some things better left unsaid." Even though Yunho wasn't keen to allow that secret to remain buried. Changmin juggled the phone while slipping his night shirt off to put the green button up on and rolled his eyes at the last part of Yunho's sentence. There were a million things to say to his hyung about the carelessness of just spouting off what he thought exactly; though that was neither here nor there.

  "Let's say _theoretically_ I was accepting and all for your confession. Let's just pretend for a moment. What exactly would we do about our families, associates, friends, our _company?_ You think that things would just work out?" The inquiry came off a lot more pressed and harsh than Changmin had meant for it to be, but he wanted to merely punctuate the seriousness of the situation. Yunho let out a heavy breath on his end and there was the sound of something shifting against the phone.  
  "Of course I thought about that, _all_ of that. I didn't consider, reconsider and get nervous for nothing!" And Changmin heard the irritation rising up in Yunho's voice just like that. He knew the tone all too well and knew that there was also hurt in the underlying words that made Changmin back pedal a bit.  
  "Yunho, look I'm sor---"  
  "I'm heading over." Yunho sounded determined.  
  "Oh for goodness _sake_ stay where you are and we can just talk this out." Changmin responded tersely.  
  "This needs to be spoken about face to face so nothing is left unturned. I'm heading over." Oh my god Changmin wanted to bang his head against the wall in the face of such bold stubbornness that was causing frustration. Thinning his lips the young man was already hopping into a pair of jeans before fishing around for black socks in his dresser.  
  "I'll just go out and that way you can't bother me at home right now." A brat move for sure, but apparently Yunho was prepared for any scenario.  
  "I'll just swing by this evening when I know you're home."

Touché.

Two could play at this, "I can just as easily not answer the buzzer or anything. Turn my phone on silent and the whole nine yards, hyung."  
Yunho was getting very, _very_ frustrated with him by now he could tell. Still, that did not even stop the triumphant little smile that stretched on Changmin's lips.  
  "Why are you against talking about this face to face? Please, Changmin, please talk about this with me." Annoyance melted away from Yunho's voice leaving only a gentle quality with his pleading that made Changmin halt himself in the bedroom doorway. A sigh and he leaned against the frame gently with his eyes cast down towards the floor feeling a little guilty for making Yunho even sound upset. Changmin didn't even have the slightest clue why he was so combative about doing anything proactive with Yunho's confession, but uneasiness and anxiety were gnawing away at him.  
  "What do you expect me to do? We've---none of this is anything I've prepared for. None of it. Hand holding, light touches, none of it was something I considered..." The twenty-seven year old hesitated, "... considered romantic. Not to me personally." And none of that was supposed to be taken as romantic or sexual advances in the slightest even with certain dance moves, one in particular came to mind, being possibly mildly homoerotic in a sense. What transpired between them affected Yunho and there wasn't any getting around those feelings, because Changmin knew that they were valid even if he didn't see the situation eye to eye with his partner. How heartless would he have to be to even insinuate that Yunho's emotional inclinations weren't normal?

 Yunho had been quiet on the other line before there was an indication he had registered everything Changmin said.  
  "In less than a month I'm leaving for two years Changminnie. I know there are small breaks and you can see people, but not often you know?" He sounded a little sad which in turn made Changmin feel like his heart was slowly dropping into his stomach. By this time he had moved away from the doorway moving slowly off into his living room with a longing look at the sofa, and slumped down as the reality of Yunho's departure began to slowly settle itself into his mind.  
  "Yunho..." Changmin's voice was soft.  
  "Yes?"  
  "I will call you back a little later, okay?" Again the young man's voice registered above a whisper, but Yunho didn't question any of it and simply agreed to let Changmin talk about the awkward situation later. Once they hung up there was a heavy feeling that permeated in the air as Changmin just stared at the cellphone resting in his right hand.

Less than a month? Really it was that soon?

  Solo tours, a solo album, solo anything was looming on the horizon for him. Two years until he himself actually needed to enlist before the deadline, and because of this fact there was a sense that his current career pursuits were deemed necessary to continue until that point. Two years without Yunho there, then he would need to enlist and be apart for another two years after the fact. Both of them barely registering in each other's lives for a total of four years. With a shuddering intake of breath Changmin clenched his hand around the phone before tossing the device down onto the cushions and slumping down a bit lower. Why the hell was he suddenly so overcome with emotion? Brown eyes were beginning to gloss over with a well up of tears that began to slowly roll down his cheeks. God, he felt so foolish becoming this upset because they both knew this day was coming soon. Any young man in their country was acutely aware that this enlistment was just a fact of life; two years and done. Changmin knew that he needed to talk about this with Yunho as soon as possible today, tonight even, but not while his emotions were so turbulent.

Not while he wasn't ready to face the next four years.


End file.
